One week later

It's been a week now since my last and final failed cycle. I wish I could say that I'm doing better, but it would be a lie. A few days ago I thought that I was fine with never having another child. But now it seems like everyone around me is preggy, everyone but me that is. Yesterday at church I had to see a newborn in the nursery. A baby boy got baptized, he has a sister a few months older than Lydia. During the baptism, all I could think of is how Lydia won't have a baby sister or brother and how we'll never get to stand up and have another child baptized. A lady sitting behind me told me her son and daughter in law are expecting their second child, their first is a few months younger than Lydia. When we got home Dh told me another couple in our church are expecting their second child. Their first dd is younger than Lydia. Then I went to get my hair cut and wouldn't you know it, the dang hairdresser told me she just found out she's preggy, young and not married of course. WTH is up with everyone but me getting preggy!!! Right now I just want to scream and cry. I'm sooooo pissed!!!!! I know I have to accept that I will never have another child. I have no choice. I want so badly to be able to cycle again, but know that I can't even mention it to dh. There's no way he will consider it. I'm thankful for Lydia, but I can't help that I want another baby. I really didn't expect to feel this way.

Call came

It's official, BFN. This sucks!!! I'm already getting AF cramps. Even though I knew it would be negative, I still wanted it to somehow come out positive. My nurse asked if we were considering trying again. After 5 failed cycles, I don't think so. Except for getting Lydia, we've had crappy results with IVF. Of course I'm so glad we have her, but it burns me up to ready about other ladies who get twins on their first cycle and then end up having more successful cycles. Or worst women who have tons of execellent embies that they don't want to use. It sucks and it's not fair!!! Can't remember exactly how many embies were created in the 6 cycles we had, I think it's around 30-40. Out of those only 11 made it to transfer, that sucks!!!! Thank God out of the 11 we got Lydia, I just thought we would have had at least 1 or 2 more babies. I hate IF!!!

waiting for the call

Got very little sleep last night. Just waiting for clinic to call, wish they would call so I could get it over with already.

BFN

Tested this morning, no great surprise it was negative. Needless to say I've been in a pissy mood all day. Oh how I want to somehow get a call from the clinic tomorrow saying I'm preggy, but I know I'm not. I'll go ahead and test akingagain tomorrow morning. I'm not taking the prometriumthough. Didn't really want to do them today, but did just incase. I just want to scream and shout. I can't even cry, I'm too mad to be sad. I went to ToysRUs and bought Lydia even more Christmas gifts, I've already spent way too much on her, but damn it! She's my only baby and I'm going to spoil her rotten!!!!

Testing tomorrow

I will take a hpt test morning when I wake up. I haven't had any spotting like I had with my first 3 failed cycles. I didn't have any spotting with my failed cycle last Sept, so I know that just because I haven't spotted, it doesn't mean I'm preggy--just high progesterone levels. I'm fully expecting a BFN. Since tomorrow is Sunday, I'll be going to church. I just really hope there's no baby being baptized or even any infants in the church. If there are, I'm afraid I might lose it and start crying. Last night when Lydia was getting ready for bed, I realized just how much she no longers looks like a baby, makes me sad. Beta on Monday, so only a few more days of agony. I'll probably start AF on Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, oh joy!!!

I hate PIO!!! And other grumblings

I haven't had a decent night's sleep since I started the PIO shots. Last night I didn't get to sleep until nearly 1 am and then woke up at 4 am and never got back to sleep. I just laid in bed tossing and turning. So when I got out of bed a few hours later I was already in a grumpy mood. Dh's parents are coming to stay with us for a week for Thanksgiving and I have a ton of stuff to do to get the house in order. My clinic doesn't want me to do any heavy lifting during the 2ww. I've already screwed that up because I have to lift up dd several times a day. I hadn't drank any coffee so far in my 2ww, but this morning I HAD to have a cup. I know that the quality of the embies has more to do with whether or not I'll get preggy than lifting heavy things or drinking coffee do. But it messes with my head whenever I do something like lifting dd or having coffee. I get that, well you just caused yourself to not get preggy. I have so much to do to get ready for my IL's visit. I was counting on dh being here this weekend so that I could get some stuff done. Now he says that he has to work all weekend and the night before they get here. CRAP!! I need to go grocery shopping for Thanksgiving. I wanted him to go with me so that he could lift all the heavy stuff, now he won't be around to do that. I also have several heavy Christmas gifts that I order from Wal-mart that have come in. I wanted him to go get them before his parents got here so they could see them. He says he won't have time. So I'll have to get them, grrrr!!! Several weeks ago I told my MIL of a gift I got for dd that I'm so excited to give to her. I've done tons of research and got the one that I really liked the most. Well last night when dh was talking to his mom on the phone she said she got another version of the gift, so I should take mine back. WTH!! She's done this before, finds out what I've gotten for dd and then goes and gets the samething. I want to be the one to give dd the gift. If we both give her our gifts, she'll get the one they got her on Thanksgiving since we're doing gifts then. They won't be here for Christmas. So when dd gets the gift we got her it won'lt be special since she got theirs first. Grrr!! I need some tackful way of telling MIL what she can do with the gift she got. Dd doesn't need 2 versions of the same gift. While I was typing this dd came up to me and said she needed to go potty. I had just taken her 2 times in the last hour and she didn't do anything. It had't been more than 10 mins since the last trip to the bathroom, so I was relunctant to take her again. We went in and she's sitting there not doing anything, then all of a suddent she poops in the potty!!!! It's the first time she's pooped in the big potty!!! Yea!!!! She looked like she was going to cry, until I said she could have a piece of candy. It's amazing how a lollipop fixes everything!!!

Time goes by so slowly

It's only been a few days since the transfer and I'm already going crazy. Hardest part is doing something and then worrying that somehow I've caused myself to not get preggy. But then I remind myself that there's nothing that I can do or not do that will change the outcome. I've given up coffee in the mornings, and boy do I miss it. I've never been a big coffee drinker, just one cup to get the day going. I keep waking up too early, 6am this morning, so not having any coffee is really hard right now. I've been trying to not pick up Lydia which is really, really hard. Best part of each day is picking her up in the morning and getting a great big hug. Thankfully she likes to spend most of the day crawling up in my lap, so I'm not completely missing out on cuddle time with her. I have picked her up a few times today since dh is at work,, Each time I did have that, "oh crap, I shouldn't be doing this" thought enter my mind. But I know it won't really matter. 9 more days until testing, ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! I bought 2 hpts yesterday so plan on testing the day before beta and the morning of beta.

Back from transfer

Got the call yesterday morning that our embie hadn't grown to a blast yet like it should have. We were given the option of going ahead with the transfer as scheduled, or to wait another day to see if it grew or not. We went ahead and did the transfer. When we were getting ready to do the transfer, the dr told us that the other embie that I thought had died was still alive, but wasn't really growing, so we could either toss it or transfer it also. We went ahead and transferred it, I feel better about it dying in me than tossing it out like trash. I'm 99.9% sure that this last cycle is a bust, but I'm so hoping I'm wrong. Beta is the Monday before Thanksgiving Day. My inlaws will be coming to visit for the holidays, which will kinda suck because I'll have to put on a happy face.

And we're down to one

I had to call my clinic to ask them a question this morning. Earlier I was told that they wouldn't be looking at our embies today. After I had asked my nurse the question, she told me that they had looked at the embies this morning. One of the embies is still growing, while the other appears to not be. Now I'm wishing I hadn't called to ask my question. If I hadn't called I would still have the hope that both were still doing well, now I'm left with the feeling that the other will probably die before we make it to transfer. Or if by chance we make it to transfer, it will just result in another BFN. My very first IVF cycle was cancelled right before the retrieval. For some reason I'm already convinced that since this is my last cycle ever it will also be cancelled, this time right before the transfer. Oh how I wish I could go back to feeling hopefully. I know I should, but it's just so hard.

Thaw Report

Dr's office called this morning, thankfully I didn't have to wait all day. They thawed all of the embies(4) and 2 of them survived the thaw. So, while it would have been much better for all of them to survive, at least we still have 2. So, now more stress and worry until Wed morning. I told the nurse that we will have to leave by 9am for the transfer, so she said they will call by 9 and let us know whether or not the remaining 2 embies are still alive. Trying not to get too excited by thinking that just because 2 survived the thaw that it's a sign that I'll actually get a BFP. Afterall, we had 2 embies to transfer with our last FET and that resulted in a BFN. So for now there is still a chance.

Tomorrow is the day, take 2

Tomorrow is the day that we will have our last 4 embies thawed. I'm so ready for tomorrow to come and go. It's scary to know that tomorrow is the day that we may know whether or not all attempts for another child is forever over or not. I don't have much faith that any of our embies will make it to transfer. I have a huge fear that none of them will survive the thaw, or that some will survive the thaw but will then die before we make it to transfer. If any do survive, we will have the transfer on Wed. I hope and pray that we have something to transfer and that I get a BFP. If I'm just going to get a BFN, then I would prefer to not even make it to transfer. I had an u/s last week and my re said my b/w levels were great and my lining is great also. I can't help but think, so what if I don't have any embies to transfer. I've always had a great lining and crappy embies. Why can't I have just one more embie to make a baby? I'll be on pins and needles waiting for my clinic to call tomorrow to let me know how the thaw went. Hopefully I won't have to wait all day if it's bad news. I'm sure I won't get any sleep at all tonight!!!