And we're down to one

I had to call my clinic to ask them a question this morning. Earlier I was told that they wouldn't be looking at our embies today. After I had asked my nurse the question, she told me that they had looked at the embies this morning. One of the embies is still growing, while the other appears to not be. Now I'm wishing I hadn't called to ask my question. If I hadn't called I would still have the hope that both were still doing well, now I'm left with the feeling that the other will probably die before we make it to transfer. Or if by chance we make it to transfer, it will just result in another BFN. My very first IVF cycle was cancelled right before the retrieval. For some reason I'm already convinced that since this is my last cycle ever it will also be cancelled, this time right before the transfer. Oh how I wish I could go back to feeling hopefully. I know I should, but it's just so hard.