Date set for cycle 6

Talked to my clinic and have scheduled everything for my next cycle. I started bcp yesterday. I will start lupron mid Oct and transfer(if there is anything to transfer) will be Nov. 10. It makes me so sad knowing that this is going to be it. I know darn well that this is just going to be yet another failure. Somehow I have to accept that I won't have anymore babies. I love Lydia so much and know how lucky and blessed I am to have her, but I still want another baby. I pray that somehow these embies will give us another blessing.

Hello AF

AF showed up today. Of course she had to show up, but it just reminds me of the failed cycle. I made some brownies yesterdays in anticipation of her arrival. Lydia woke up from her nap and said, "mmm something smells good." I gave her one after dinner last night, she gobbled it up. Now today she keeps asking for more. Only 2 yrs old and already hooked on chocolate, just like her mommy!

Cycle #6

I can't believe we're going to do another cycle. I talked to my clinic yesterday, once AF shows I will start bcps. Transfer will probably be sometime in early Nov. We don't have dh's work schedule yet, so I hope we can arrange everything to work out to do it then. I DON'T want to delay it. I have zero hope left for a sibling. I just want to get this over with. We with thaw all 4 embies and if any survive the thaw we will let them grow to day 5 and if any make it we will transfer whatever we have. I doubt any will survive the thaw, these are worse quality than the ones we just used. I know bad embies can make healthy babies, but so far it hasn't worked out that way for us, and we've had plenty of bad embies. I woke up this morning feeling so mad that we have to go through this all again. Why can't we just get preggy and have a healthy baby!! I feel so jealous of all the women who get preggy with twins or are able to have several successful cycles. There are 2 women on one board I read who already have twins and are now preggy again. Another women has 4 de kids. Why are they able to have several successful cycles and I can't. They don't have to worry about their kids growing up alone or not having anyone once they die. Why can't I give Lydia a sib. She deserves to have a lil sister or brother. I know how lucky I am to have Lydia, but I can't help feeling mad that I can't have another baby. I just hope once we are finally all done with treatments I can get past these feelings. I feel like AF is going to show any minute now, so that doesn't help with my emotions. Plus I just know my mom is going to call to say my cousin's daughter is preggy again. She had her dd a couple of months after Lydia was born, so I'm sure she'll probably end up preggy here again. IF sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's official

Clinic called, BFN no surprise there. I told the nurse how I wasn't spotting and she said it's because my progesterone level is nice and high. Nice and high, who gives a crap if I'm not preggy! She said if we wanted to try again we could start right away when AF gets here. I will ALWAYS want another baby, however I have absolutely no faith in our remaining embies. I know I'm suppose to trust in God, and I do, but I don't trust that these embies will give us another baby. Starting completely over with a new donor and a new fresh cycle is absolutely out also, I can't go through that again. So if we decide to not do another cycle I'm not sure what we'll do about our remaining embies. I do know that I"ll always wonder if just maybe one of them could have given us a baby. I really hate the thought of wasting more money, but I hate more not giving them a chance even if I think it won't work. Guess I'll have to see what dh is willing to do. I hope I can call the clinic and have them answer some questions I have and hopefully we'll be able to make a decision then.

HPT #3, 4, and 5

SH!T, SH!T, and SH!T!! Yes, that's right I took not just one, not just two, but three hpts this morning. Guess I'm a gluton for punishment. All three were BFN, don't know why I thought a different type would give me different results. Went and had my blood drawn and am waiting for my clinic to call. With my past failed cycles my clinic has never called until late in the afternoon. I wish they'd just call right away and not prolong the dreaded news. Not that I really want to hear that I'm not preggy, but I know it's coming. I admit, I still have a tiny bit of hope that all 5 tests were wrong. Like that's going to happen. I'm not doing my prometrium or delestrogen this morning. Why bother!! Three yrs ago today is the day that these embies were created. For some stupid reason, when I saw my beta would be on this day I foolishly thought that it would bring me good luck to have the beta on the embies' creation anniversary. I've always taken pics of Lydia and video recordered on this anniversary. It's always been a happy day. I don't want the happiness I've felt for this day for the past 3 yrs to be ruined now because of this BFN. I really should email or call my mom and sister with the news, but don't want/feel like it. Telling others is going to make it real. Right now I'm stuffing my face with donut holes and some type of pastry and waiting for Lydia to wake up. Thank God I have her! Dh is working until 3pm. It's going to be very hot today, otherwise I'd just go outside and watch Lydia play.

Tomorrow is it

As much as I've wanted tomorrow to get here, I'm also dreading it. I've always wanted a couple of kids and have always thought that some day I'd have them. Even before I had Lydia, I always thought that once I found a good donor, I'd be able to finally have a couple of kids. Tomorrow all that comes to an end. I have to accept that I will never have another baby. I love Lydia with all my heart and even though I knew our embies weren't that great, I still had hopes of being able to give her a sib. I hope when she gets older she doesn't hate being an only child. I don't want her to feel odd because we had to use DE to conceive her. I thought having a sib who is also from DE would help with acceptance. I hate having to go through IF.

Going crazy!!!!

Last night dh told me that he'd be home from work by 3pm. It's now 3:45 and he's still not home, GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! Normally I wouldn't care, but I need to go to the store to get something for dinner. Lydia is sleeping so I can't go until he gets home. I called and left him a voicemessage, but haven't heard from him. Plus I want to get a different brand of HPT to take in the morning(yes, I know it won't change the result, but damn it, I want it to). Dh drives me crazy, because he is NEVER and I mean NEVER on time. No matter what it is that we are doing, he is always late. Drives me crazy. Even if I tell him hundred times that we need to leave at a certain time, he's never ready on time. I hate always being rushed and late because of him. He knows it will piss me off, yet he doesn't care and doesn't try to be on time. Then he acts like I shouldn't be pissed when we're always late because of him. Today is NOT the day to push me. I'm feeling crampy, didn't sleep well last night and am EXTREMELY pissed about this mornings bfn and non-spotting. Dh was in the room with me this morning when I got the BFN. Most dhs give their wives and hug and kiss when they get a bfn, did dh do this? NO!! Jerk! He doesn't really care to have another child and didn't really care to do another cycle, so I know he's happy about the bfn. Like all my other bfns, I have to suffer in my pain alone. I'm so damn mad!!! I want to scream and cry, but can't. Maybe tonight when I take a shower I'll let it all out. He better get here soon!!!

HPT #2

BFN!! WTH!! My body is playing a cruel joke on me because I still don't have any spotting. I know it's over, so why does my body have do this to me. I had spotting with all of my failed cycles and didn't have it when I was preggy with Lydia. I wish I was having spotting because I still want to think that maybe the hpt are wrong, but I know they aren't. Damn it!!!

Time moves so slow

The day isn't even half over yet, and I just want it to end already. I want it to be tomorrow morning so I can POAS again and HOPEFULLY see a BFP. I KNOW darn well that I'll most likely get another BFN, but I'm still hoping that somehow I'll see that second line. I think this whole thing would have been alot easier to deal with if I had never started to think that I could be preggy. It just sucks sooooo much wanting to be preggy and knowing that most likely I never will be again. There's a newbie on the parenting after de board that I'm on who is also getting her beta on Tues. I bet anything she'll end up preggy with twins and lots of high quality embies in the freezer. I hate, hate, hate that we didn't end up with better quality frozens!!! How the heck do the 2 previous couples who used my donor get twins with lots of extras in the freezer and we don't!!! I'm so very grateful to have Lydia, but after all the crap it took to get her, it sure would be nice to be able to have one more successful cycles. 1 out of 5 just plain sucks!! That's 9 embies that I've had transferred. I'm tired of ending up with crappy embies. My first donor gave us over 30 eggs if I remember correctly and we only got 2 lousy embies out of that many eggs!! Wouldn't you think statistically we would have been able to have more than one baby. My lining has always been great and I don't have any immunity problems. dh has also had sperm dna and other tests done and he's fine. Yet, we still get crappy embies that don't even stand a chance. I'm sick of it. Honestly, I don't even think I want to bother doing another cycle with our 4 frozen embies. Whats' the point, they're worse quality than the ones we used for this cycle. It'd just be even more money down the drain. I can't take the emotional drain anymore. I just wish this day, week would end already. Next Spring/summer I'm going to have a massive garage sale to get rid of all of the baby stuff we won't be needing anymore. I had thought to save some stuff for my SIL, but why? We had to buy almost everything we needed ourselves. Eventhough she claims to never have any money, she still goes on several vacations every yr, goes out to movies, concerts, and gets a fancy new car. Screw it. We don't/can't do any of that, so I might as well sell all the stuff we spent thousands of $$$$$$ on and get something nice for us!!!

HPT #1

BFN, crap!!! I really thought I had a chance since I hadn't had any spotting. So unfair, if I have to have a BFN then I wish I would get the spotting so that I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I'll test again tomorrow and Tues before I go in for the beta. I won't be doing the delestrogen shot Tues morning unless I get a BFP. I still want to be hopeful, which makes it even harder knowing that I'll just be disappointed. CRAP CRAP CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope is fading

What I wouldn't give to have just ONE night of good sleep. I woke up this morning at 3am and necver was able to get back to sleep. At 6 am I started to have major PMS cramps. I laid there debating whether or not to get up to see if AF was making her appearance. I finally dragged myself out of bed, so far no spotting. While I'm thrilled to have no spotting, I'm still scared that it will start anytime today. Either way I'm going to buy some hpt tomorrow and will test Saturday morning. I don't think I will be able to wait until Beta on Tues.

Feeling Hopeful

I'm starting to feel hopeful for a BFP. I know it's way too early for any kind of preggy symptoms, I didn't have any until I was around 8 or 9 weeks when I was preggy with Lydia. I'm really tired all the time, of course that could just be because I haven't slept well at night. I'm scared about getting too excited just to be let down. I also haven't had any spotting, which I had with my previous BFNs. No spotting is what has me most hopeful and excited. I wish I could remember when the spotting always started with my failed cycles. I know it could start anytime, but as long as I don't have any, it gives me hope. I plan on buying a home preggy test on Frid, now I just have to decide when to test. With Lydia I got a very faint positive 9 days after the transfer. Sat would be 10 days after the transfer, so maybe, just maybe I would get a positive then??? Oh how I hope so!! Please God let me preggy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And have a healthy baby.

In Need of Sleep

I haven't had a good night's sleep in the past few weeks. I have always been a very light sleeper. Every time I fall asleep dh's snoring wakes me up and then I can't get back to sleep. My hips are now sore from the PIO shots, so that also makes it difficult to find a comfy position in which to fall asleep. Lydia is napping now, so I should try to take a nap. I've never been a napper. Even if I'm dead tired, I can never fall asleep. I'll just lie there and think about stuff. I have a headache right now also. There's a football game on right now that I want to watch, but I'm soooo tired. I think I'll try to take a nap, but I'm sure something will keep me from getting some good zzzzzzzzs.

Transfer complete

We had 4 embies thawed, 2 survived and were transferred into me. A 6 cell and 8 cell embies were transferred. I got no sleep last night. Dh was soring most of the night. I kept thinking that the clinic would call and say that none of the embies made it. We still have 4 embies frozen. I just hope and pray that we don't need to do another cycle. If this cycle works, then I'd like to be able to donate them to another couple. .I'm still not so sure that this will be successful, but at least right now we were able to make it to transfer. We stopped on the way to the clinic at a gift shop/restaurant so I could use the bathroom. There was a picture in the hallway of the restaurant that said something about God's Blessings coming in His timing. Can't remember if that's the exact wording or not. I thought it was a great thing for me to see and if I do get preggy then I want to buy the picture and put it in the baby's room. I'm so sleepy right now and can barely see straight.

Tomorrow is the day!!!

So tomorrow is the big day, Yikes!!! The transfer is scheduled for 10:30. Since our clinic is a 2 hr drive, I'll have to get up around 6:30 in order to leave our house by 8:00. I just hope that the clinic will call us if none of the embies survive the thaw. I really don't wan to drive all that way if we have nothing to transfer. I'm hoping and praying that we have something to transfer and that it results in a healthy baby. It's either going to be all over by tomorrow morning or it will be a long 2ww to know for sure.

Full speed ahead

Had another apt with my Re yesterday for an u/s. Everything looks good, so transfer will be next Wed. Sept 8. It seems like such a waste that everything is looking good, yet I know I still won't get preggy. I don't know why we have to always get crappy embies. Between my own eggs and 2 different donors we've had over 50 eggs retrieved, over 20 embies created, and only one beautiful baby girl. You would think with that many eggs and embies that I would have been able to have more children. I see other ladies on message boards who have been able to have several kids with a lot less embies. Yes, I admit it, I'm jealous of other IF women. the ones who get preggy with twins on their first IVF cycle. Why couldn't I be that lucky!! I wouldn't trade Lydia for another child or two, I love her so much. I just wish I could have another baby. she's growing up so fast. It took four years to have her and I'm not ready for her to grow up so fast. I really have a feeling that none of the embies will survive the thaw, or if any do, my Re will say that none of them are good enough to bother with the transfer. 2 other couples used our donor before us. Both couples had twins and had lots of good embies to freeze. While I'm somewhat glad that we didn't have twins, I still want to have another baby now. I'm so greatful for Lydia, but I still want another baby and it sucks feeling like I won't be able to have one. Once this cycle is done, that's it. No more cycling, no more hoping, no thinking about another child. I know I'll still want one more than anything, but there's nothing I can do to have one. It sucks!!! It's so unfair!!!