One week later

It's been a week now since my last and final failed cycle. I wish I could say that I'm doing better, but it would be a lie. A few days ago I thought that I was fine with never having another child. But now it seems like everyone around me is preggy, everyone but me that is. Yesterday at church I had to see a newborn in the nursery. A baby boy got baptized, he has a sister a few months older than Lydia. During the baptism, all I could think of is how Lydia won't have a baby sister or brother and how we'll never get to stand up and have another child baptized. A lady sitting behind me told me her son and daughter in law are expecting their second child, their first is a few months younger than Lydia. When we got home Dh told me another couple in our church are expecting their second child. Their first dd is younger than Lydia. Then I went to get my hair cut and wouldn't you know it, the dang hairdresser told me she just found out she's preggy, young and not married of course. WTH is up with everyone but me getting preggy!!! Right now I just want to scream and cry. I'm sooooo pissed!!!!! I know I have to accept that I will never have another child. I have no choice. I want so badly to be able to cycle again, but know that I can't even mention it to dh. There's no way he will consider it. I'm thankful for Lydia, but I can't help that I want another baby. I really didn't expect to feel this way.

Call came

It's official, BFN. This sucks!!! I'm already getting AF cramps. Even though I knew it would be negative, I still wanted it to somehow come out positive. My nurse asked if we were considering trying again. After 5 failed cycles, I don't think so. Except for getting Lydia, we've had crappy results with IVF. Of course I'm so glad we have her, but it burns me up to ready about other ladies who get twins on their first cycle and then end up having more successful cycles. Or worst women who have tons of execellent embies that they don't want to use. It sucks and it's not fair!!! Can't remember exactly how many embies were created in the 6 cycles we had, I think it's around 30-40. Out of those only 11 made it to transfer, that sucks!!!! Thank God out of the 11 we got Lydia, I just thought we would have had at least 1 or 2 more babies. I hate IF!!!

waiting for the call

Got very little sleep last night. Just waiting for clinic to call, wish they would call so I could get it over with already.

BFN

Tested this morning, no great surprise it was negative. Needless to say I've been in a pissy mood all day. Oh how I want to somehow get a call from the clinic tomorrow saying I'm preggy, but I know I'm not. I'll go ahead and test akingagain tomorrow morning. I'm not taking the prometriumthough. Didn't really want to do them today, but did just incase. I just want to scream and shout. I can't even cry, I'm too mad to be sad. I went to ToysRUs and bought Lydia even more Christmas gifts, I've already spent way too much on her, but damn it! She's my only baby and I'm going to spoil her rotten!!!!

Testing tomorrow

I will take a hpt test morning when I wake up. I haven't had any spotting like I had with my first 3 failed cycles. I didn't have any spotting with my failed cycle last Sept, so I know that just because I haven't spotted, it doesn't mean I'm preggy--just high progesterone levels. I'm fully expecting a BFN. Since tomorrow is Sunday, I'll be going to church. I just really hope there's no baby being baptized or even any infants in the church. If there are, I'm afraid I might lose it and start crying. Last night when Lydia was getting ready for bed, I realized just how much she no longers looks like a baby, makes me sad. Beta on Monday, so only a few more days of agony. I'll probably start AF on Thursday, Thanksgiving Day, oh joy!!!

I hate PIO!!! And other grumblings

I haven't had a decent night's sleep since I started the PIO shots. Last night I didn't get to sleep until nearly 1 am and then woke up at 4 am and never got back to sleep. I just laid in bed tossing and turning. So when I got out of bed a few hours later I was already in a grumpy mood. Dh's parents are coming to stay with us for a week for Thanksgiving and I have a ton of stuff to do to get the house in order. My clinic doesn't want me to do any heavy lifting during the 2ww. I've already screwed that up because I have to lift up dd several times a day. I hadn't drank any coffee so far in my 2ww, but this morning I HAD to have a cup. I know that the quality of the embies has more to do with whether or not I'll get preggy than lifting heavy things or drinking coffee do. But it messes with my head whenever I do something like lifting dd or having coffee. I get that, well you just caused yourself to not get preggy. I have so much to do to get ready for my IL's visit. I was counting on dh being here this weekend so that I could get some stuff done. Now he says that he has to work all weekend and the night before they get here. CRAP!! I need to go grocery shopping for Thanksgiving. I wanted him to go with me so that he could lift all the heavy stuff, now he won't be around to do that. I also have several heavy Christmas gifts that I order from Wal-mart that have come in. I wanted him to go get them before his parents got here so they could see them. He says he won't have time. So I'll have to get them, grrrr!!! Several weeks ago I told my MIL of a gift I got for dd that I'm so excited to give to her. I've done tons of research and got the one that I really liked the most. Well last night when dh was talking to his mom on the phone she said she got another version of the gift, so I should take mine back. WTH!! She's done this before, finds out what I've gotten for dd and then goes and gets the samething. I want to be the one to give dd the gift. If we both give her our gifts, she'll get the one they got her on Thanksgiving since we're doing gifts then. They won't be here for Christmas. So when dd gets the gift we got her it won'lt be special since she got theirs first. Grrr!! I need some tackful way of telling MIL what she can do with the gift she got. Dd doesn't need 2 versions of the same gift. While I was typing this dd came up to me and said she needed to go potty. I had just taken her 2 times in the last hour and she didn't do anything. It had't been more than 10 mins since the last trip to the bathroom, so I was relunctant to take her again. We went in and she's sitting there not doing anything, then all of a suddent she poops in the potty!!!! It's the first time she's pooped in the big potty!!! Yea!!!! She looked like she was going to cry, until I said she could have a piece of candy. It's amazing how a lollipop fixes everything!!!

Time goes by so slowly

It's only been a few days since the transfer and I'm already going crazy. Hardest part is doing something and then worrying that somehow I've caused myself to not get preggy. But then I remind myself that there's nothing that I can do or not do that will change the outcome. I've given up coffee in the mornings, and boy do I miss it. I've never been a big coffee drinker, just one cup to get the day going. I keep waking up too early, 6am this morning, so not having any coffee is really hard right now. I've been trying to not pick up Lydia which is really, really hard. Best part of each day is picking her up in the morning and getting a great big hug. Thankfully she likes to spend most of the day crawling up in my lap, so I'm not completely missing out on cuddle time with her. I have picked her up a few times today since dh is at work,, Each time I did have that, "oh crap, I shouldn't be doing this" thought enter my mind. But I know it won't really matter. 9 more days until testing, ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! I bought 2 hpts yesterday so plan on testing the day before beta and the morning of beta.

Back from transfer

Got the call yesterday morning that our embie hadn't grown to a blast yet like it should have. We were given the option of going ahead with the transfer as scheduled, or to wait another day to see if it grew or not. We went ahead and did the transfer. When we were getting ready to do the transfer, the dr told us that the other embie that I thought had died was still alive, but wasn't really growing, so we could either toss it or transfer it also. We went ahead and transferred it, I feel better about it dying in me than tossing it out like trash. I'm 99.9% sure that this last cycle is a bust, but I'm so hoping I'm wrong. Beta is the Monday before Thanksgiving Day. My inlaws will be coming to visit for the holidays, which will kinda suck because I'll have to put on a happy face.

And we're down to one

I had to call my clinic to ask them a question this morning. Earlier I was told that they wouldn't be looking at our embies today. After I had asked my nurse the question, she told me that they had looked at the embies this morning. One of the embies is still growing, while the other appears to not be. Now I'm wishing I hadn't called to ask my question. If I hadn't called I would still have the hope that both were still doing well, now I'm left with the feeling that the other will probably die before we make it to transfer. Or if by chance we make it to transfer, it will just result in another BFN. My very first IVF cycle was cancelled right before the retrieval. For some reason I'm already convinced that since this is my last cycle ever it will also be cancelled, this time right before the transfer. Oh how I wish I could go back to feeling hopefully. I know I should, but it's just so hard.

Thaw Report

Dr's office called this morning, thankfully I didn't have to wait all day. They thawed all of the embies(4) and 2 of them survived the thaw. So, while it would have been much better for all of them to survive, at least we still have 2. So, now more stress and worry until Wed morning. I told the nurse that we will have to leave by 9am for the transfer, so she said they will call by 9 and let us know whether or not the remaining 2 embies are still alive. Trying not to get too excited by thinking that just because 2 survived the thaw that it's a sign that I'll actually get a BFP. Afterall, we had 2 embies to transfer with our last FET and that resulted in a BFN. So for now there is still a chance.

Tomorrow is the day, take 2

Tomorrow is the day that we will have our last 4 embies thawed. I'm so ready for tomorrow to come and go. It's scary to know that tomorrow is the day that we may know whether or not all attempts for another child is forever over or not. I don't have much faith that any of our embies will make it to transfer. I have a huge fear that none of them will survive the thaw, or that some will survive the thaw but will then die before we make it to transfer. If any do survive, we will have the transfer on Wed. I hope and pray that we have something to transfer and that I get a BFP. If I'm just going to get a BFN, then I would prefer to not even make it to transfer. I had an u/s last week and my re said my b/w levels were great and my lining is great also. I can't help but think, so what if I don't have any embies to transfer. I've always had a great lining and crappy embies. Why can't I have just one more embie to make a baby? I'll be on pins and needles waiting for my clinic to call tomorrow to let me know how the thaw went. Hopefully I won't have to wait all day if it's bad news. I'm sure I won't get any sleep at all tonight!!!

And it starts again

I started lupron shots 3 days ago. Woke up this morning with a headache. I was hoping the headaches wouldn't start for at least a week or more. I read blogs from other women who seem to have so much more faith about their cycles working than I do. I wish I could go back to the days when I thought I would get preggy from cycle number 1, with twins of course. Instead I'm sure the cycle won't work, even before it begins.

Not fair!!!

I'm trying really hard to accept the fact that none of our remaining embies are not likely to give us another baby. It's just hard to come to terms with the fact that we've already gone through so many embies that turned out to be BFNs. I know God has a reason for everything, but I don't get why some women get to have lots of really good embies frozen and they don't want to use them. And here I really want another baby and the embies we have are crappy. Why can't we have the good embies and those who don't want anymore kids have the bad embies??!!! I know I shouldn't question God, but it just drives me crazy. It also drives me crazy to read about another lady on my De board who already has a bunch(like 6 or 7 ) bio kids and then has a baby from DE from her one and only IVF cycle. She then decides to do a FET and gets preggy again. Just makes me mad that I had to do 4 cycles to get my dd and here I want another baby and had a BFN from FET 1 and am looking at another BFN from FET 2. I mean WTH!! I will have done 6 cycles, resulting in 5 bfns. Shouldn't we have had better luck than that!!! I go to my fert dr tomorrow and start injections next Sat. It just makes me feel resentful knowing that we're spending all this time and money for nothing. Why doesn't God want one of our embies to have life? Too many have died already. It just doesn't make sense to me why he doesn't want to let any of the others to make it.

Date set for cycle 6

Talked to my clinic and have scheduled everything for my next cycle. I started bcp yesterday. I will start lupron mid Oct and transfer(if there is anything to transfer) will be Nov. 10. It makes me so sad knowing that this is going to be it. I know darn well that this is just going to be yet another failure. Somehow I have to accept that I won't have anymore babies. I love Lydia so much and know how lucky and blessed I am to have her, but I still want another baby. I pray that somehow these embies will give us another blessing.

Hello AF

AF showed up today. Of course she had to show up, but it just reminds me of the failed cycle. I made some brownies yesterdays in anticipation of her arrival. Lydia woke up from her nap and said, "mmm something smells good." I gave her one after dinner last night, she gobbled it up. Now today she keeps asking for more. Only 2 yrs old and already hooked on chocolate, just like her mommy!

Cycle #6

I can't believe we're going to do another cycle. I talked to my clinic yesterday, once AF shows I will start bcps. Transfer will probably be sometime in early Nov. We don't have dh's work schedule yet, so I hope we can arrange everything to work out to do it then. I DON'T want to delay it. I have zero hope left for a sibling. I just want to get this over with. We with thaw all 4 embies and if any survive the thaw we will let them grow to day 5 and if any make it we will transfer whatever we have. I doubt any will survive the thaw, these are worse quality than the ones we just used. I know bad embies can make healthy babies, but so far it hasn't worked out that way for us, and we've had plenty of bad embies. I woke up this morning feeling so mad that we have to go through this all again. Why can't we just get preggy and have a healthy baby!! I feel so jealous of all the women who get preggy with twins or are able to have several successful cycles. There are 2 women on one board I read who already have twins and are now preggy again. Another women has 4 de kids. Why are they able to have several successful cycles and I can't. They don't have to worry about their kids growing up alone or not having anyone once they die. Why can't I give Lydia a sib. She deserves to have a lil sister or brother. I know how lucky I am to have Lydia, but I can't help feeling mad that I can't have another baby. I just hope once we are finally all done with treatments I can get past these feelings. I feel like AF is going to show any minute now, so that doesn't help with my emotions. Plus I just know my mom is going to call to say my cousin's daughter is preggy again. She had her dd a couple of months after Lydia was born, so I'm sure she'll probably end up preggy here again. IF sucks!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's official

Clinic called, BFN no surprise there. I told the nurse how I wasn't spotting and she said it's because my progesterone level is nice and high. Nice and high, who gives a crap if I'm not preggy! She said if we wanted to try again we could start right away when AF gets here. I will ALWAYS want another baby, however I have absolutely no faith in our remaining embies. I know I'm suppose to trust in God, and I do, but I don't trust that these embies will give us another baby. Starting completely over with a new donor and a new fresh cycle is absolutely out also, I can't go through that again. So if we decide to not do another cycle I'm not sure what we'll do about our remaining embies. I do know that I"ll always wonder if just maybe one of them could have given us a baby. I really hate the thought of wasting more money, but I hate more not giving them a chance even if I think it won't work. Guess I'll have to see what dh is willing to do. I hope I can call the clinic and have them answer some questions I have and hopefully we'll be able to make a decision then.

HPT #3, 4, and 5

SH!T, SH!T, and SH!T!! Yes, that's right I took not just one, not just two, but three hpts this morning. Guess I'm a gluton for punishment. All three were BFN, don't know why I thought a different type would give me different results. Went and had my blood drawn and am waiting for my clinic to call. With my past failed cycles my clinic has never called until late in the afternoon. I wish they'd just call right away and not prolong the dreaded news. Not that I really want to hear that I'm not preggy, but I know it's coming. I admit, I still have a tiny bit of hope that all 5 tests were wrong. Like that's going to happen. I'm not doing my prometrium or delestrogen this morning. Why bother!! Three yrs ago today is the day that these embies were created. For some stupid reason, when I saw my beta would be on this day I foolishly thought that it would bring me good luck to have the beta on the embies' creation anniversary. I've always taken pics of Lydia and video recordered on this anniversary. It's always been a happy day. I don't want the happiness I've felt for this day for the past 3 yrs to be ruined now because of this BFN. I really should email or call my mom and sister with the news, but don't want/feel like it. Telling others is going to make it real. Right now I'm stuffing my face with donut holes and some type of pastry and waiting for Lydia to wake up. Thank God I have her! Dh is working until 3pm. It's going to be very hot today, otherwise I'd just go outside and watch Lydia play.

Tomorrow is it

As much as I've wanted tomorrow to get here, I'm also dreading it. I've always wanted a couple of kids and have always thought that some day I'd have them. Even before I had Lydia, I always thought that once I found a good donor, I'd be able to finally have a couple of kids. Tomorrow all that comes to an end. I have to accept that I will never have another baby. I love Lydia with all my heart and even though I knew our embies weren't that great, I still had hopes of being able to give her a sib. I hope when she gets older she doesn't hate being an only child. I don't want her to feel odd because we had to use DE to conceive her. I thought having a sib who is also from DE would help with acceptance. I hate having to go through IF.

Going crazy!!!!

Last night dh told me that he'd be home from work by 3pm. It's now 3:45 and he's still not home, GRRRRRRRRRRR!!!! Normally I wouldn't care, but I need to go to the store to get something for dinner. Lydia is sleeping so I can't go until he gets home. I called and left him a voicemessage, but haven't heard from him. Plus I want to get a different brand of HPT to take in the morning(yes, I know it won't change the result, but damn it, I want it to). Dh drives me crazy, because he is NEVER and I mean NEVER on time. No matter what it is that we are doing, he is always late. Drives me crazy. Even if I tell him hundred times that we need to leave at a certain time, he's never ready on time. I hate always being rushed and late because of him. He knows it will piss me off, yet he doesn't care and doesn't try to be on time. Then he acts like I shouldn't be pissed when we're always late because of him. Today is NOT the day to push me. I'm feeling crampy, didn't sleep well last night and am EXTREMELY pissed about this mornings bfn and non-spotting. Dh was in the room with me this morning when I got the BFN. Most dhs give their wives and hug and kiss when they get a bfn, did dh do this? NO!! Jerk! He doesn't really care to have another child and didn't really care to do another cycle, so I know he's happy about the bfn. Like all my other bfns, I have to suffer in my pain alone. I'm so damn mad!!! I want to scream and cry, but can't. Maybe tonight when I take a shower I'll let it all out. He better get here soon!!!

HPT #2

BFN!! WTH!! My body is playing a cruel joke on me because I still don't have any spotting. I know it's over, so why does my body have do this to me. I had spotting with all of my failed cycles and didn't have it when I was preggy with Lydia. I wish I was having spotting because I still want to think that maybe the hpt are wrong, but I know they aren't. Damn it!!!

Time moves so slow

The day isn't even half over yet, and I just want it to end already. I want it to be tomorrow morning so I can POAS again and HOPEFULLY see a BFP. I KNOW darn well that I'll most likely get another BFN, but I'm still hoping that somehow I'll see that second line. I think this whole thing would have been alot easier to deal with if I had never started to think that I could be preggy. It just sucks sooooo much wanting to be preggy and knowing that most likely I never will be again. There's a newbie on the parenting after de board that I'm on who is also getting her beta on Tues. I bet anything she'll end up preggy with twins and lots of high quality embies in the freezer. I hate, hate, hate that we didn't end up with better quality frozens!!! How the heck do the 2 previous couples who used my donor get twins with lots of extras in the freezer and we don't!!! I'm so very grateful to have Lydia, but after all the crap it took to get her, it sure would be nice to be able to have one more successful cycles. 1 out of 5 just plain sucks!! That's 9 embies that I've had transferred. I'm tired of ending up with crappy embies. My first donor gave us over 30 eggs if I remember correctly and we only got 2 lousy embies out of that many eggs!! Wouldn't you think statistically we would have been able to have more than one baby. My lining has always been great and I don't have any immunity problems. dh has also had sperm dna and other tests done and he's fine. Yet, we still get crappy embies that don't even stand a chance. I'm sick of it. Honestly, I don't even think I want to bother doing another cycle with our 4 frozen embies. Whats' the point, they're worse quality than the ones we used for this cycle. It'd just be even more money down the drain. I can't take the emotional drain anymore. I just wish this day, week would end already. Next Spring/summer I'm going to have a massive garage sale to get rid of all of the baby stuff we won't be needing anymore. I had thought to save some stuff for my SIL, but why? We had to buy almost everything we needed ourselves. Eventhough she claims to never have any money, she still goes on several vacations every yr, goes out to movies, concerts, and gets a fancy new car. Screw it. We don't/can't do any of that, so I might as well sell all the stuff we spent thousands of $$$$$$ on and get something nice for us!!!

HPT #1

BFN, crap!!! I really thought I had a chance since I hadn't had any spotting. So unfair, if I have to have a BFN then I wish I would get the spotting so that I wouldn't have gotten my hopes up. I'll test again tomorrow and Tues before I go in for the beta. I won't be doing the delestrogen shot Tues morning unless I get a BFP. I still want to be hopeful, which makes it even harder knowing that I'll just be disappointed. CRAP CRAP CRAP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hope is fading

What I wouldn't give to have just ONE night of good sleep. I woke up this morning at 3am and necver was able to get back to sleep. At 6 am I started to have major PMS cramps. I laid there debating whether or not to get up to see if AF was making her appearance. I finally dragged myself out of bed, so far no spotting. While I'm thrilled to have no spotting, I'm still scared that it will start anytime today. Either way I'm going to buy some hpt tomorrow and will test Saturday morning. I don't think I will be able to wait until Beta on Tues.

Feeling Hopeful

I'm starting to feel hopeful for a BFP. I know it's way too early for any kind of preggy symptoms, I didn't have any until I was around 8 or 9 weeks when I was preggy with Lydia. I'm really tired all the time, of course that could just be because I haven't slept well at night. I'm scared about getting too excited just to be let down. I also haven't had any spotting, which I had with my previous BFNs. No spotting is what has me most hopeful and excited. I wish I could remember when the spotting always started with my failed cycles. I know it could start anytime, but as long as I don't have any, it gives me hope. I plan on buying a home preggy test on Frid, now I just have to decide when to test. With Lydia I got a very faint positive 9 days after the transfer. Sat would be 10 days after the transfer, so maybe, just maybe I would get a positive then??? Oh how I hope so!! Please God let me preggy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And have a healthy baby.

In Need of Sleep

I haven't had a good night's sleep in the past few weeks. I have always been a very light sleeper. Every time I fall asleep dh's snoring wakes me up and then I can't get back to sleep. My hips are now sore from the PIO shots, so that also makes it difficult to find a comfy position in which to fall asleep. Lydia is napping now, so I should try to take a nap. I've never been a napper. Even if I'm dead tired, I can never fall asleep. I'll just lie there and think about stuff. I have a headache right now also. There's a football game on right now that I want to watch, but I'm soooo tired. I think I'll try to take a nap, but I'm sure something will keep me from getting some good zzzzzzzzs.

Transfer complete

We had 4 embies thawed, 2 survived and were transferred into me. A 6 cell and 8 cell embies were transferred. I got no sleep last night. Dh was soring most of the night. I kept thinking that the clinic would call and say that none of the embies made it. We still have 4 embies frozen. I just hope and pray that we don't need to do another cycle. If this cycle works, then I'd like to be able to donate them to another couple. .I'm still not so sure that this will be successful, but at least right now we were able to make it to transfer. We stopped on the way to the clinic at a gift shop/restaurant so I could use the bathroom. There was a picture in the hallway of the restaurant that said something about God's Blessings coming in His timing. Can't remember if that's the exact wording or not. I thought it was a great thing for me to see and if I do get preggy then I want to buy the picture and put it in the baby's room. I'm so sleepy right now and can barely see straight.

Tomorrow is the day!!!

So tomorrow is the big day, Yikes!!! The transfer is scheduled for 10:30. Since our clinic is a 2 hr drive, I'll have to get up around 6:30 in order to leave our house by 8:00. I just hope that the clinic will call us if none of the embies survive the thaw. I really don't wan to drive all that way if we have nothing to transfer. I'm hoping and praying that we have something to transfer and that it results in a healthy baby. It's either going to be all over by tomorrow morning or it will be a long 2ww to know for sure.

Full speed ahead

Had another apt with my Re yesterday for an u/s. Everything looks good, so transfer will be next Wed. Sept 8. It seems like such a waste that everything is looking good, yet I know I still won't get preggy. I don't know why we have to always get crappy embies. Between my own eggs and 2 different donors we've had over 50 eggs retrieved, over 20 embies created, and only one beautiful baby girl. You would think with that many eggs and embies that I would have been able to have more children. I see other ladies on message boards who have been able to have several kids with a lot less embies. Yes, I admit it, I'm jealous of other IF women. the ones who get preggy with twins on their first IVF cycle. Why couldn't I be that lucky!! I wouldn't trade Lydia for another child or two, I love her so much. I just wish I could have another baby. she's growing up so fast. It took four years to have her and I'm not ready for her to grow up so fast. I really have a feeling that none of the embies will survive the thaw, or if any do, my Re will say that none of them are good enough to bother with the transfer. 2 other couples used our donor before us. Both couples had twins and had lots of good embies to freeze. While I'm somewhat glad that we didn't have twins, I still want to have another baby now. I'm so greatful for Lydia, but I still want another baby and it sucks feeling like I won't be able to have one. Once this cycle is done, that's it. No more cycling, no more hoping, no thinking about another child. I know I'll still want one more than anything, but there's nothing I can do to have one. It sucks!!! It's so unfair!!!

Lupron Sucks!!!!

I hate lupron!!!! I've had a bad headache and have been cranky all day. Plus my back is killing me, that isn't related to the lupron, but still sucks to be getting old! The delestrogen shot didn't hurt when dh did it this morning, but by mid-afternoon my leg was really hurting. I'm so not looking forward to getting them every Tues and Frid. I'm really not looking forward to the horrible PIO shots. Of course if I get preggy and have another lil one that's as wonderful as Lydia then it will all be worth it. I don't really expect this to work, but I sooooo want it to, please God, let it work!!!

All Better

Glad to report that Lydia woke up this morning with no fever!!! I hate when my lil one is sick!!! We ordered our new frig last night and it will be getting it next Sat. Can't wait, I hate the one we have now! I start delestrogen shots tomorrow. I always gave myself the shots in my 2 previous cycles, but since dh will be home tomorrow, I'm going to have him do it. I haven't had the really horrible headaches so far either, just minor ones. I can't remember when in the cycle the headaches usually come, but I'm hoping maybe I won't get them. In all of my previous cycles, I felt comsumed by the cycle 24/7. So far except for having to do the lupron shot each morning, I don't even think about the cycle. Guess that's because I'm too busy caring for my wonderful dd this time around.

Lydia's got an owie

Last night Lydia had a slight fever so I gave her some motrin. She was quickly running around and playing like normal. Then she woke up crying this morning with the fever back. This is only the second time in her life that she's ever been sick. Looks like it's just a cold, hopefully it won't last too long. I hate when she doesn't feel well. I'm so thankful that she's healthy. I can't imagine the heart ache parents go through when they have a child with a life threatening illness.

Who needs money?!

My dh isn't thrilled about having to spend more money on IVF treatments. Last month his car had some engine problems which cost over $1000 and now our refrigerator is going out, so that's another $1000 to buy a new one!!! UUGH!!!! And if that's not bad enough, it looks like some bees have decided to make their hive in the back of our house. As in building their hive in between the siding of our house and the exterior wall!!! Yikes!! We also have a hornets nest the size of a football in a tree right by our back deck. I told dh that if I see any critters in the house I'm calling an exterminator!!!! He says they'll die in the winter, but I'm not so sure I want to wait that long. No more going outside to play in the backyard for Lydia!!! I'm glad we had already put down the deposit for the FET before the car troubles, refrigerator, or bees otherwise we wouldn't be doing the FET now. Now I'm worried that the FET will be a BFN. If we don't thaw all of the embies this time then I want to try again asap!!! I'm afraid my dh will either want to postpone it for a long time or won't want to do it at all. I just can't let our snowbabies remain frozen forever. My hope is that I'll get preggy and if we have any embies left then we can donate them to another couple. Just have to tell myself whatever happens is the way God wants it to be, even if it's not what I want.

Too many BFNs

There is a support message board that I have been a member of for nearly 4 yrs now. This past month has seen too many BFNs from ladies who have one child from a fresh cycle and were doing a FET in order to get a sibling. I am not only sad for them but also for myself. This just makes me more sure that my cycle will end in a BFN. I've also noticed that the few ladies who have gotten BFPs are ones who already have twins. I guess it makes sense, the twin moms obviliously had better quality embies to start with since they got twins. Guess it just makes sense that their frozens would be better quality also. While I'm so thankful that I was able to get preggy with Lydia, it still makes me sad that the other embie that we transferred with her didn't make it. If none of these next embies make it, that will be 15 embies that we created that didn't make it. I worry if they are in Heaven or not. I pray they are. It makes me so jealous that those with twins are able to get preggy again, while so many of the ladies with just one child are getting BFNs. I'm sorry, I know this sounds very selfish, especially for those who are still struggling to have a child. I'm not sad for myself, but for my dd. I worry so much about her not having a sib. I worry that she's going to feel like something is wrong with her because we had to use DE to have her, guess I feel that if she had a sibling the DE thing wouldn't be such a concern. Maybe it would be, who knows? I think Lupron is making me much more emotional, I've done 3 shots and have had a bad headache for two days now. Plus my back is killing me. We went to the zoo yesterday and all the walking around has done my back in, I feel so old sometimes, it sucks!!!!

Here we go again!!!

Last week I had a special u/s done to make sure everything is OK with my uterus. I have stage 4 endo and have a history of polyps, cysts, and fibroids. I was a little worried that there might be a problem with my uterus and my cycle would have to be postponed. Thankfully everything was fine and my cycle is full speed ahead!!! I did my first lupron shot this morning. I am so not looking forward to all the bad side effects that go along with the different meds, but I want another baby so badly. I'm preparing myself for this cycle to not work, but I sure hope I'm wrong and it does. Lydia needs a little sister or brother. We don't have any family where we live and don't have any friends with young children. I don't want her to feel all alone when dh and I are gone. On happier news, we have a mama cardinal who built it's nest in the tree right outside of Lydia's bedroom. We noticed eggs in the nest the other day. Whenever we go in Lydia's room she runs to the window to see the birdy. This afternoon when it was her naptime, I told her to tell the birdy, good night. She kissed the window, put her head on the window(this is how she gives something a hug) and then said night, night birdy! Too Cute!!!!!

Using donor eggs

After my second failed cycle, my Re suggested that we use donor eggs. I didn't know anything about donor eggs. I thought maybe the clinic had a freeze full of eggs and we would just go pick some out if we chose to use them. We put our name on the list for a donor at our clinic. It took 8 months until we got the call that it was our turn to chose a donor. During that time I was able to come to terms with the fact that using donor eggs was the only way I could become a mother. Recently I have come across several blogs of ladies who have been told they should use donor eggs. Several of these ladies have had numerous failed cycles with their own eggs and are still trying with their own eggs. For whatever reasons, they don't want to try DE. It makes me so sad to read about the pain they are going through as they continue having failed cycles. I hope they are successful with their own eggs, but if they aren't, I hope they will give DE more consideration. I know they would be so happy if they were to be successful with DE. Now that I have my beautiful dd, I am so thankful that my eggs were crap! I love her so much and can't imagine having any other child. It doesn't matter one bit to me that we aren't genetically related. She's my hunnybunny and I'm her mama. I believe that God has a plan for all of our lives. It was His plan all along for this wonderful little girl to be my dd. I just hope and pray that it is His plan for us to have more LOs. If not, I know I am so blessed to have Lydia.

The Wait is on

I'm so tired of waiting for my next cycle to begin. I am so ready for it to be mid Aug. already so that I can get started. I have my calendar for my cycle already, have appointments set for the b/w and u/s. It seems sooooooo far away. I'm not really looking forward to the horrible lupron headaches, but unfortunately there's nothing I can do about them. I'm also ready for summer to be over with already!!! It's too darn hot outside and I HATE, HATE, HATE hot weather!! Why can't it be 75 degrees everyday!

First post, oh how exciting

Here goes, my very first post on my first ever blog. Not sure that I have anything that anyone else would find interesting to say really. I will be doing my 5th IVF cycle next month in hopes of giving my dd a sibling. My dd is from my fourth cycle. I had done 2 cycles with my own eggs and then did 2 cycles using donor eggs. Next month I will be starting a FET cycle. It will be my first FET. Although we have 8 frozen embies, I don't feel very hopeful that I will become preggy. The embies aren't very high quality and after 3 previous failed cycles it's hard to have faith. I want more than anything to give my dd a sibling, but know that I am so very lucky and blessed to have my dd. Anyway, that's pretty much what's going on with me. I hope to be able to use this blog as a way of expressing how I feel as I go through yet another cycle.
LM